Wednesday, August 5, 2020

My Dark Vanessa by Kate Elizabeth Russell

"When Strane and I met, I was fifteen and he was forty-two, a near perfect thirty years between us. That's how I described the difference back then--perfect. ... At Browick, he said, teacher-student romances were known to happen from time to time, but he'd never had one because, before me, he'd never had the desire. I was the first student who put the thought in his head. There was something about me that made it worth the risk. ... Lurking deep within me, he said, was a dark romanticism, the same kind he saw within himself. No one had ever understood that dark part of him until I came along."

"How cautious he was, first angling his knee against my thigh, such a small thing that could have been an accident, then his hand on my knee. ... It only accelerated after that, once he knew I was ok with it--and isn't that what consent is, always being asked what you want? Did I want him to kiss me? Did I want him to touch me? ... Slowly guided into the fire--why is everyone so scared to admit how good that can feel? To be groomed is to be loved and handled like a precious, delicate thing."

"Into the phone, I mumble, 'I'm needy.' It's the closest I can get to saying what I feel, which isn't horniness, because it isn't really about sex. It's him looking at me, adoring me, telling me what I am and giving me what I need to get through the day-to-day drudgery of pretending I'm like everybody else."

"Sometimes it feels like that's all I'm doing every time I reach out--trying to haunt, to drag him back in time, asking him to tell me again what happened. Make me understand it once and for all. Because I'm still stuck here. I can't move on."


My thoughts:
This book takes place in two timelines: in the past when Vanessa first meets Strane and he begins a relationship with her, and in 2017 when she's an adult and new accusations against Strane come to light forcing Vanessa to reassess the truth about her relationship with him. And it's a pretty dark and disturbing history. The graphic bits were especially hard to read.

Strand does a masterful job of manipulating Vanessa for his own personal gratification, making her believe she made him fall in love with her, playing on her emotions to keep her from blaming him, or telling anyone the truth about them, even making her feel like she has to apologize to him any time she questions or confronts him. It's despicable. He's such a horrible person. Even when she's an adult he still has the power to twist and manipulate her.

And Vanessa is so messed up. Her persistence in denying she was abused and in defending Strane made me shake my head in disbelief. I didn't understand why she kept seeking him out over the years, why she continued the relationship long after she left Browick. I wanted her to stand up for herself, call him out on his abuse, make him pay for what he did to her. But she couldn't because then she'd have to label herself a victim and Strane a villain, and for her it wasn't that black and white. I also think she really needed for their story to be a "love story" and not a relationship of abuse and manipulation. She was just so caught up in him. It was sad. I felt so bad for her.

While this novel is well-written, intense and compelling, the subject matter made it a hard one for me to read. Toward the end of the book I reached a point where I didn't want to revisit the past anymore; it was just too depressing. And Strane's actions made me so angry. I would have preferred if the second half of the novel focused on Vanessa in 2017 and her struggle to come to terms with her past, instead of jumping back every other chapter to chronicle still more of her interactions with Strane. It got to be a bit much.

At least I didn't have to read this one alone; Melody read it with me which definitely made it more bearable. So be sure to check out her review and see what she thought about My Dark Vanessa.


Happy Reading?

48 comments:

  1. Great review, Lark! This was both a dark and unsettling read, wasn't it? Russell really captures all the atmosphere and the emotions well. Her writing is the main thing that keeps me reading. I wonder what she has in store next. I'll definitely keep a look out for her future releases.

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    1. It'll be very interesting to see what kind of story she writes next!

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  2. Your reservations are the same ones that have kept me from reading this one. Sometimes I just can't make myself delve into the darkness that is too often real for many people.

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    1. And this one gets fairly dark and depressing. And it stuck with me for a few days after I finished. So it's a hard one for me to really recommend, you know?

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  3. Great review and I agree with everything you said. Even having worked in the field of child abuse for 14 years, I still had a hard time coming to terms with what was written. In fact, one reason I had to get out was because I was becoming so jaded. I wanted to smack Vanessa myself and then realized she really was struggling and was a victim. Like you, it would have been great seeing her come to terms with what happened as an adult but unfortunately for some, it never gets better.

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    1. I kept hoping for better things for her. Such a sad story. At least she gets a dog at the end! :)

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    2. Dogs make everything better!

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  4. I've seen this book around the blogs, but I don't think I'm in the right mindset to read it just yet. I'm needing more escapism right now, and this one sounds like the opposite of that. Still, I can appreciate an author who is willing to go there.

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    1. The author does the story well, but she does take you to a pretty dark place. After finishing it I really needed a much lighter, escapist read just to get the taste of this one out of my mouth.

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  5. I've just read Melody's thoughts on the book and now yours, Lark. Such a sad, sad tale and it's tough to imagine how the mind can justify such awful acts. It happens though, much more than we know I suspect. I don't think I'll be reading this one, but I thank both of you for sharing your experiences with us. Take care and maybe now read something more positive or something where good definitely triumphs over evil.

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    1. This book was very sad. And I definitely need to read something positive and uplifting right now!

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  6. I don't mind books about forbidden love, as long as it's because of culture, religion, family feuds or things like that. When it's because of age or teacher/student relationships, I just can't handle that. Not even in fiction. Ugh. I'll definitely be skipping this one.

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    1. I know what you're saying, Susan. I feel the same way about teacher/student relationships. And I wouldn't have read this one except Melody really wanted to. And I'm not sorry. But I didn't really like it either.

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  7. I'm not sure I'd be able to read this one. It's a tough subject that definitely needs more light shined on but I don't think I'm in the right state of mind for it right now.

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    1. I totally get that. I'm not sure I was in the mood for it either!

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  8. I found myself cringing just from the passages you quoted from the book. With everything in the news these days about this kind of predator, I'm not sure I would make it through this one. Sounds like strong stuff; a harsh dose of every parent's nightmare.

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    1. I almost didn't make it through this one. If I hadn't been reading it with Melody I probably would have quit because it is a hard subject matter to read about.

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  9. I thought I was quite brave with my reading but you're braver as I don't think I could read this. Well done you for persevering and for sharing your thoughts.

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    1. Thanks. It wasn't an easy read...and definitely NOT my usual choice in books. :)

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  10. Yeah, I think I'd want Vanessa to wake up and see the truth instead of romanticizing their relationship. It would be depressing that she kept seeking him out to continue instead of trying to make him answer for his deplorable actions.

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    1. It was really hard watching her hang on to that relationship, even when she didn't really love it, you know?

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  11. I think I might have wanted to climb into the book and yell at her!!!

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  12. I read My Dark Vanessa a few months ago, too. I really liked this book but, I agree with you, the graphic parts were extremely difficult to read. I felt so bad for Vanessa. It was frustrating how she couldn't just break free from Strane. He's so GROSS.

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    1. Strane is awful! Just thinking about him makes me shudder.

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  13. Thank you for your review. You have confirmed my decision not to read the book. I would find it much too uncomfortable... not because of any personal experience, but because that kind of abuse of power and grooming of someone who, if not quite a child, is definitely not an adult, is really disturbing to me.

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    1. I found the whole thing really disturbing, too. And it stays with you for days. At least, it did with me.

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  14. I've seen this one around a lot on booksellers' newsletters, etc. and I am curious but boy, that does sound intense. I'm guessing your next read is going to be much lighter fare!

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  15. Wow this does sound like a tough read. Such horrible subject matter... I'd have a hard time too.

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    1. It was a really tough read. Not a book I'd ever read again.

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  16. Excellent review Lark. You describe this book so well and its a story much in the news right now. Young girls being preyed upon by much older men. I think I too would probably want this story to focus on present day Vanessa and how she gets her life together. Those are my favorite kind of stories where a character can suffer a trauma but gradually recover and we learn thingsvabout how we too can get over difficult aspects of our past.

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    1. I love reading stories where people are able to overcome their pasts, and persist through their struggles, and triumph in the end, too. This one didn't quite reach that level.

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  17. Not sure I could read something like this right now but maybe one day.

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  18. The question mark at the end of your post says it all! This book is on my list. I read Trust Exercise last year by Susan Choi which I also found challenging and anger-inducing. Sometimes that can be cathartic, I find. We'll see. For sure this is a borrow - not buy for me and the holds at the library are too long for me to read it right now anyway.

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    1. Yeah, it's a book worth reading once, but not one I would want to own either.

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  19. This is not a book I am interested in, but it does sound like it was well written.

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    1. It was well-written. I'm interest to see what the author chooses to write about next.

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  20. I have read good reviews (including yours) about this, but each one has made me question whether this is one I'm in the right mindset for -- which is actually a good thing to know before diving into it.

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    1. You have to know before going in that this book takes you to some dark places, and if you're not in the right mindset for that...wait to read it!

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  21. I can't read books about pedophiles. Just too hard and it makes me so angry.

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    1. I usually avoid books like this one, too. Because they are very hard books to read.

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  22. Hi Lark. I have been reading some of your posts. You have a very impressive blog.

    Though this book sounds difficult your review is excellent. I would also be disturbed by this subject matter. With that, I think that books sometimes have to highlight the bad things in this world if only so we somehow try to find ways to come to terms with them. With that, I can see how the continuing flashbacks that you describe could be very hard to take.

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    1. You're right. We read so we don't have to experience every bad thing personally, but can still learn and grow and change throughout our lives. Thanks for all your kind comments! :)

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  23. I keep seeing this book on lists everywhere, but I had no idea what it was about. The subject matter would make it very difficult to read!! It does sound like it was well written . . . but I will probably skip this one for now.

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    1. I don't blame you. It gets pretty dark...and parts are definitely very hard to read.

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